'I've read the room - now what?'

I was coaching a lady recently who had moved school and into a new role as a head of department. She was feeling a bit like a fish out of water, not only with the new team she was leading, but also with the leaders she was working alongside, who seemed to have a very different way of doing things.

There was a problem of underperformance in the organisation and she was frustrated because she felt she knew what needed to be done – she had come from an outstanding school . The issue was that telling everyone what she thought was needed just wasn’t working. She was getting used to the eyerolls when she said things like ‘well we used to do it like this in my old school’.

She desperately wanted to build strong relationships with her new colleagues and in coaching she told me she was getting better at ‘reading the room’ and not making these kind of comments. The problem was, she wasn’t sure what to say instead, which meant that she was sitting quietly in meetings much of the time, and gradually getting more and more frustrated and unfulfilled.

The first thing we did in coaching was recognise the big positive here – her growing self-awareness and willingness to make big changes in her leadership style. She was noticing the reactions of other leaders, and was managing to stop herself from saying the wrong thing. Even though she felt that she knew 'better' than they did, she had a sense that there was an arrogance about that, and that she lost connection when she voiced it.

We celebrated the self-awareness and humility in this, and also made a bit of space for the frustration that she was feeling. She wanted her voice to be heard. She wanted to make a difference in her new role. She wanted to have an impact on teaching and learning. She knew she had a lot to offer, and sitting quietly wasn’t getting her very far.

We noticed the values and strengths underlying the frustration. Empowerment was there, along with integrity and aspiration.

Then we started to look at the options that were available to her for what to say in situations like these. It was clear that if she could have some phrases or questions previously thought out, it would be easier to respond in a way that was more in line with her values. We considered some examples of situations and thought of appropriate questions she could ask, that might help others to see more of the potential pitfalls, but also encourage them to be creative and resourceful. In doing this, she was starting to let go of judgements and assumptions and look instead for possibilities. She was developing the superpower of curiosity.

She left the session feeling hopeful and with some strategies and ideas to try out.

I’ve thought a lot about this situation over the last few weeks. It struck me how important it was that this lady’s instincts were guiding her towards building trust and better relationships, even though she wasn’t sure how to move in that direction. The point was that she was brave enough to share it in coaching. By bringing it out into the open, we could identify options and possibilities and start to see how outcomes could be different.

There’s a quote from Rumi that I love, which comes to mind as I consider this story:

“Very little grows on jagged rock.

Be ground. Be crumbled.

So wild flowers will come up

Where you are.

You have been stony for too many years.

Try something different. Surrender.”

Being open to trying something different is at the heart of all successful coaching conversations. Trusting relationships are at the heart of good leadership.

If you’ve read the room and aren’t sure how to navigate the next bit, a coaching conversation could help you to unlock some possibilities. Take a look at my website to find out more about how to work with me.